It’s a wonder to me, how and why some folks are incredibly kind and courteous, and others just aren’t. It is something innate? Something taught? Some of each? Are some people just naturally thoughtful, and full of empathy? Are others focused solely on themselves? As a therapist and teacher of social emotional skills, I find most of my clients, not all, but most can learn the skills of politeness and courtesy, even if it doesn’t come naturally to them. The younger, the better. As Aristotle said, “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.”
Over the years, I’ve heard back from numerous grateful parents who have thanked me for teaching politeness and common courtesy. “It’s wild, my kid is the only one who says, 'thank you,' to the bus driver when he gets off the bus at the end of his school day.” “My daughter is the only child I know who says, “Hi,” and, “thanks for having me,” to the parents of the child she just had a play date with.” “The neuro-typical high school students I teach have none of these social skills you teach, Charla. They’re too busy being on their devices.” It is, for many of my neurodivergent clients like learning a foreign language. If they don’t keep practicing and using the skills, they can go south. This is why I consult with the parents of my clients after every group. If the parents of the children I see, don’t learn the tools themselves, the skills won’t generalize out of the play studio. I tell my parent clients, “You are the great experts on your child. I am just the tool lady. Use what is helpful and works.”
Thoughts about common courtesy have been endlessly stirring up my mind this summer as I take my daily bike ride to the local coffee shop and back. It may sound rather odd, but I enjoy biking through the local cemetery. It’s a gorgeous piece of property that looks out over the Willamette River. It is full of enormous trees, birds singing, and is a daily reminder that life is brief, so enjoy it while you can. I use this ride, not only for daily exercise, but for meditation, and anxiety release. The ride down is a quick and easy winding path, but the up hill climb on the way back is fairly challenging. At the end of it, however, I feel as if I can face anything the day brings.
And yet, lately, I’ve been provoked by a number of riders. Truthfully speaking, as I get older, I get slower, and I ride a fairly heavy commuter bike that isn’t an Ebike, or an ultra light carbon racer bike. One day, a man passed me and said, “Slow but steady, huh?” I couldn’t help feeling it was a bit of a put down, so I said, “Yeah, I’m the tortoise, and I ride for pleasure.” Sure enough at the top of the hill, he had stopped for a water break and I passed him with a big smile on my face. Another time a rider passed me and commented on my clothing, “Didn’t dress right, huh?” Those comments, I can generally let roll off my back, but what really irks me are the riders who speed pass me without calling out in any fashion, or moving over to the left of the road, especially the Ebike riders. It not only is startling, but there’s a reason why bikers are supposed to call out, safety. There are divots and cracks to avoid in the road, or perhaps you see a squirrel and suddenly shift to the left. I’ve even had riders pass me and sharply cut right in front of me. It’s gotten to the point where I call out, “Please call out next time.” I honestly feel like I’m back in my studio.
I began to try and determine if it was a particular age or gendered person who was more likely to do this. I wondered if it was an ego thing, as if everyone on a bike is on a race. At first I was determined it was mostly masculine presenting younger folks. But then I experienced all sorts of people on Ebikes and light weight bikes passing without calling out. I suppose perhaps they think you hear them coming? Or they’re moving so fast they don’t have time to call out. But then one day, to my surprise, a well muscled teenager called out, “Good morning,” as they passed me. I couldn’t help thinking, “Somebody taught you right.” Every time anyone calls out now, I thank them, because they’re rare, and they honestly put a smile on my face.
I sometimes worry that we’re losing the art of common courtesy. But then, someone reaches out to say or do something so thoughtful and kind. Like when one of my five year olds hands me a picture they drew, and offers me a hug. When my neighbor passes a bottle of wine through the cat hole in our shared fence. When the local bike shop workers pump up my tires free of charge. When friends or family offer to be there for me even if it’s a call from far away. These seemingly simple acts of kindness are truly what brings happiness to others, and to self. Next time you’re passing someone on your bike, call out please.
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“Call out Please”
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“Call out Please”
It’s a wonder to me, how and why some folks are incredibly kind and courteous, and others just aren’t. It is something innate? Something taught? Some of each? Are some people just naturally thoughtful, and full of empathy? Are others focused solely on themselves? As a therapist and teacher of social emotional skills, I find most of my clients, not all, but most can learn the skills of politeness and courtesy, even if it doesn’t come naturally to them. The younger, the better. As Aristotle said, “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.”
Over the years, I’ve heard back from numerous grateful parents who have thanked me for teaching politeness and common courtesy. “It’s wild, my kid is the only one who says, 'thank you,' to the bus driver when he gets off the bus at the end of his school day.” “My daughter is the only child I know who says, “Hi,” and, “thanks for having me,” to the parents of the child she just had a play date with.” “The neuro-typical high school students I teach have none of these social skills you teach, Charla. They’re too busy being on their devices.” It is, for many of my neurodivergent clients like learning a foreign language. If they don’t keep practicing and using the skills, they can go south. This is why I consult with the parents of my clients after every group. If the parents of the children I see, don’t learn the tools themselves, the skills won’t generalize out of the play studio. I tell my parent clients, “You are the great experts on your child. I am just the tool lady. Use what is helpful and works.”
Thoughts about common courtesy have been endlessly stirring up my mind this summer as I take my daily bike ride to the local coffee shop and back. It may sound rather odd, but I enjoy biking through the local cemetery. It’s a gorgeous piece of property that looks out over the Willamette River. It is full of enormous trees, birds singing, and is a daily reminder that life is brief, so enjoy it while you can. I use this ride, not only for daily exercise, but for meditation, and anxiety release. The ride down is a quick and easy winding path, but the up hill climb on the way back is fairly challenging. At the end of it, however, I feel as if I can face anything the day brings.
And yet, lately, I’ve been provoked by a number of riders. Truthfully speaking, as I get older, I get slower, and I ride a fairly heavy commuter bike that isn’t an Ebike, or an ultra light carbon racer bike. One day, a man passed me and said, “Slow but steady, huh?” I couldn’t help feeling it was a bit of a put down, so I said, “Yeah, I’m the tortoise, and I ride for pleasure.” Sure enough at the top of the hill, he had stopped for a water break and I passed him with a big smile on my face. Another time a rider passed me and commented on my clothing, “Didn’t dress right, huh?” Those comments, I can generally let roll off my back, but what really irks me are the riders who speed pass me without calling out in any fashion, or moving over to the left of the road, especially the Ebike riders. It not only is startling, but there’s a reason why bikers are supposed to call out, safety. There are divots and cracks to avoid in the road, or perhaps you see a squirrel and suddenly shift to the left. I’ve even had riders pass me and sharply cut right in front of me. It’s gotten to the point where I call out, “Please call out next time.” I honestly feel like I’m back in my studio.
I began to try and determine if it was a particular age or gendered person who was more likely to do this. I wondered if it was an ego thing, as if everyone on a bike is on a race. At first I was determined it was mostly masculine presenting younger folks. But then I experienced all sorts of people on Ebikes and light weight bikes passing without calling out. I suppose perhaps they think you hear them coming? Or they’re moving so fast they don’t have time to call out. But then one day, to my surprise, a well muscled teenager called out, “Good morning,” as they passed me. I couldn’t help thinking, “Somebody taught you right.” Every time anyone calls out now, I thank them, because they’re rare, and they honestly put a smile on my face.
I sometimes worry that we’re losing the art of common courtesy. But then, someone reaches out to say or do something so thoughtful and kind. Like when one of my five year olds hands me a picture they drew, and offers me a hug. When my neighbor passes a bottle of wine through the cat hole in our shared fence. When the local bike shop workers pump up my tires free of charge. When friends or family offer to be there for me even if it’s a call from far away. These seemingly simple acts of kindness are truly what brings happiness to others, and to self. Next time you’re passing someone on your bike, call out please.
Notes:📝
https://wonderinalexland.wordpress.com/2016/12/15/was-Aristotle-right-when-he-said-give-me-a-child-until-he-is-7-and-i-will-show-you-the-man/