Spoiler Alert: The Ugly Duckling is a Swan
When I was a child, I found the story of the “Ugly Duckling,” to be an emotional roller coaster ride. As an incredibly tall, somewhat boyish looking tween, I towered over my classmates. I was constantly misgendered, and called, “Big Foot!” So I could relate to the “Ugly Duckling.” But when the duckling, who was ruthlessly teased and felt out of place, became a swan, I recall thinking, “I will too!” I did go on to become a professional stage actress and a model, so I suppose the story turned for me too. But mostly it made me incredibly compassionate for people who feel unwanted, and like they never fit in. As a therapist working for years with children who are diagnosed as “neurodivergent,” the gift I have received is the ability to see brilliance in those considered to be non-typical.
The story of the “Ugly Duckling,” came up in a session this week, when a child of Puerto Rican descent told their parent, “I want to be white.” When the parent asked them, “Why?” they said, “Because I wanna fit in.” When I asked this child if they were being bullied or teased at school, or in their neighborhood for having brown skin, they answered, “No, I just wanna to look like everyone else.” Having grown up in Portland, Oregon, a majority white city, in a majority white state, attending a majority white private school, this child has no idea that 85% of the global population are people of color.* But that doesn’t matter to this child. To them, the feeling of exclusion based on their skin color makes them want to change who they authentically are. And so, I told them the story of the “Ugly Duckling,” and when they heard that the “duckling” grew into a swan, there was a radiant smile upon their face. “You are a beautiful swan,” I told them. “Never forget that.”
It is compelling to me that what comes up in my Practice is so often mirrored in the world at large. At a time in history when DEI is being tossed out the window, and the “Black Lives Matters,” street mural in D.C. is being forcibly erased, an innocent child is telling me how sad they feel when they don’t feel seen, respected, and fit-in, merely because of the color of their skin. Why we as a society cannot hold up the light to honor the swan in all of us, is one of the deficits of our humanity.
A college client with ADHD and high functioning autism, who is on a developmental journey to find their authentic self, also reached out to me this week. They recently returned from a University sponsored trip to Britain and shared a dismal story of eating dinner in a London restaurant with their college peers. “I was so happy to be there with my classmates, I began to tell jokes, and sometimes when I’m excited my volume goes way up. That’s when a bunch of my classmates told me to “shut up!” They said I was acting like an “Ugly American,” and it was embarrassing them. I just want to be my authentic self and have that be okay.” My heart went out to this client. It’s true finding our authentic self is a goal of life, but when do you curb it in order to respect the boundaries of others?
Politeness is a social skill I teach. I often will get a client who refuses to greet me upon entering the play studio, or refuses to smile. With a client like this, I’ll often get a “I don’t want to, so why do I have to?” “You don’t have to,” I’ll say, “But at least let me know why you don’t authentically feel like smiling or saying, “Hello.” Are you tired, did you have a bad day, do you not want to be here? That way, I know where you’re coming from and how to work with you.” It is true, politeness, is often aligned with acting. You can’t tell me, the baristas in my favorite cafe who are always smiling don’t have hard days at times, or hard lives, but are smiling and being friendly in order to keep their jobs.
According to Kenji Yoshino, an American legal scholar highlighted on Shankar Vedantam’s Hidden Brain podcast this afternoon, the term “covering” is “to tone down a disfavored identity to fit into the mainstream.” As a gay male of Asian descent, he speaks to the social pressure to conform to what is considered acceptable, as opposed to being authentic. He gives examples of famous individuals from Hellen Keller, who replaced her natural eyes, to F.D.R. who stationed himself behind a desk to avoid being seen in a wheelchair, to Margaret Thatcher, who changed her dialect and lowered her register with vocal coaching to sound more distinguished. There are many ways we “cover” our authentic selves. Everything from Botox, to cosmetic surgeries, to hair dying, which self-admittedly I do. Why? Because society treats grey haired women like ugly ducklings. Several of my middle aged friends male, and female, are considering Botox injections because they are afraid of losing their jobs to younger employees.
So, what is the difference between concealing your authentic self, and learning skills like politeness? A skill is something you learn to use to your advantage. An authentic self is both who you are, and who choose to be in order to feel your truest best self. If I choose to dye my hair in order to look in the mirror and feel vibrant, that is my authentic self. If my client, born a male, who is on discovery to find their preferred gender wears a skirt and feels vibrant, that is their authentic self.
A client told me this week they hate being ADHD and autistic. When I asked them, “Why?” They told me, “I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get a job.” I drew a picture of a glass half-filled and asked them if the glass was half full or half empty? They knew where I was going with this. “It’s how you look at it,” they said. “Exactly,” I responded. “Tell me what’s good about being neurodivergent? “I am exceedingly smart,” they told me. “Yep, what else?” “I have an amazing memory.” “Exactly,” I told them. They continued, “I am really good at math, building things, and solving puzzles.” “Sounds like an engineer brain to me. They make really good money,” I said. “Hmm,” this client said. “I guess I am glad I’m neurodivergent.” It mirrored that moment, when the Ugly Duckling realized he was a swan.
Exercise of the week:
Finding your Authentic Self
Take a moment to meditate, journal, or draw aspects of yourself that feel true regardless of how others may perceive it. If something comes to mind, but you’re not sure, try divulging in it for a bit, and take in how it feels. The closer you come to being your authentic self the more soothed your soul will become. If there are aspects of yourself that you can’t change- your race, your neural pathways, your health, your age, try listing the positive attributes of those qualities, and within that discovery, you are likely to reveal your swan self.
Notes:
*https://www.britthawthorne.com
Read in NPR: https://apple.news/A-2RtHG6aTHKfAepmbpAC7Q Shared from Apple News
https://www.hiddenbrain.org
https://www2.deloitte.com